How I changed

09. Februar 2020

I like people. I mean I always kind of knew that, but since I got here I realized how much I really need to be around people. I like to put myself in situations where I have to figure out the person in front of me. I like feelings. The good and the bad - I like to feel it all. I need to feel it all. The big and small ones. I need to go deeper in the emotion because thats the only way I can get to know myself. Because I also learned that everything I know about myself is just a teeny tiny bit of what I really am. In most of the situations I am not reacting because I don´t know how I want to react. So I stand there with all my emotions but I cant tell what I want. What I need. I know I have to react somehow but who knows. I can go in that direction or in this one or in that one. Do I want to be a person who is like this? Or a person who is like that?

I learned that I like people. Not a little bit. Big time. I got here and I was forced to meet people because I literally didnt know anybody. So thats how I figured out. I like to be different around different people. I like how peoples characters shape my character and I like how people I meet make me to who I am.

I learned that I like to be inspired by all the great stories out there - by all the movies, all the books, all the big and the small stories, but I also learned that I have and I want to find my own way between all these stories. Even though I maybe like the character in this movie or how the person is living her life in that book - I need to write my own story and I need to write my own character more than ever. And of course I need all these movies and all these books for that, but I also need the real life. I need the life between the movie scenes.

I learned that I like people, but what is different than before is that I understood that I have to be the main character in my own life. If its not me who will be. I need to be the main character in my own story so I can be the side character in other people stories. Because everybody should be the main character in their own story so we can all  play a side role in somebody’s else’s.

I learned that I don’t want to build my confidence on the opinion of another person, because in this big, messy world the only opinion which should really count in your life is yours. Because in the end you are the person who is still there, you are the person, who fights every fight with you, you are the person, who is with you through all the happiness, sadness, through all the joy and all the pain. So the only opinion, which really counts is the one you have about yourself. But to be honest, I also learned that I like how people think different about me over here. I don’t know if I changed that much or the people around me, but people actually recognize me here, they actually think I’m pretty, they actually talk to me and even though I’m convinced that I have to be the one being happy with myself, I do enjoy it, it does feel good and I will continue to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

What I also learned about myself is that I like to stop sometimes. Because life runs so fast. I want to stop and put all these memories in small boxes. Please stop time for a moment. Please let me breathe in and out and keep it alive. And that’s my next point. I learned that I struggle with holding moments. I don’t know how I want to keep memories alive. I don’t know how much I want to share with other people. I don’t know.

I was never good at writing diary. I want to keep it in pictures and videos but sometimes the moment passes so fast that I rather want to hold it than taking a picture of it.

I want to hold it all. I don’t want to forgot. And I want to believe that we keep the important memories in our heart. But what if we don’t?

I learned that I like to make my own decisions but that I also always need advice. I am developing an opinion and i learned that I like to be wrong as much as I like to be right - I want to learn - I want to grow -  I dont just want to be better

But most importantly I learned that I’m able to love. I mean - I obviously always knew that, but since I got here its different. There are so many people I miss everyday. I learned I can love them with all my heart, because even though I’m not physically there anymore, I didn’t forget anybody. Even though I’m miles away all the people are in my heart and I know its gonna be the same, when I go back. I know I will always care about the people I met here. Every single one of them- and that just made my heart grow so much.